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Medical Jokes
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Rating: +7 Rating: +7 (7 votes) 
Avatar
Manish Bhatia
Posts: 667
December 14, 2011 - 12:59 pm
1
+1

A man & wife entered a dentist’s office. The Wife said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.” You’re a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is. The wife turns to her husband and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”

Avatar
Manish Bhatia
Posts: 667
December 14, 2011 - 1:05 pm
2
+1

A patient complained to his doctor, “I’ve been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis.” The doctor calmly replied, “Just wait until the autopsy, then they’ll see that I was right.”

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drofart
December 16, 2011 - 7:41 am

3
0

Patient: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

Docter: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.cool

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drofart
December 17, 2011 - 5:25 am

4
+1

Patient: Is swimming good for your figure?

Doctor: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

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drofart
December 22, 2011 - 5:52 am

5
+1

When the hospital Board of Directors asked a panel of doctors to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body,” while the Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; the Plastic surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter”.

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some bum.

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drofart
December 29, 2011 - 1:04 pm

6
+1

A woman has been working in her office way past closing time, trying
to
finish a project. As she’s she’s leaving for the night, she walks past a

colleague still working in a cubby down the hall, and hears the man heave
a
big, dejected sigh. “Aw,” says the woman, also noting his long face,
you
look like you could use a little sympathy.”
No, no, nat mur,” the guy says.

Avatar
drofart
Curantur Clinic & Research Center, CDA, Twin City, ODISHA.
Posts: 769
January 7, 2012 - 5:22 am
7
+1

IN TO THE FUTURE OF OLD SCHOOL THERAPY !

Image Enlarger

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Rebekah Copas
Posts: 32
February 25, 2012 - 8:24 am

8
0

guest said

When the hospital Board of Directors asked a panel of doctors to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body,” while the Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; the Plastic surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter”.

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some bum.

OMG it is the true to life story of why no homeopathy wing is of modernity

well true to my life, in that the bums and hobos and those too unwell to prefer the safety of housing in big cities in general, were having too much influence, so I treated a few with homeopathy, and they did not yet already appreciate how cleverly they have been made to dislike the habits that caused them to be inept at everything other than sourcing the fastest pain relief . . . . therefore, the anesthesiologist certainly have the most to answer for

Avatar
drofart
Curantur Clinic & Research Center, CDA, Twin City, ODISHA.
Posts: 769
February 28, 2012 - 3:31 pm
9
0

Patient : Look here, doctor! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this misery !

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.cool

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drofart
Curantur Clinic & Research Center, CDA, Twin City, ODISHA.
Posts: 769
July 20, 2012 - 5:10 am
10
0

This information came over the internet some years ago.  It purports to be the answers given by students in science exams around the world.  It came with the comment that “it is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressure of time and grades?.”  I was unable to trace the author, but as the work deserves wider dissemination, I present here the answers of most interest to a medical audience.

General:

“The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the brain; the borax, the heart and lungs; and the abominable cavity, the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”

Respiration:

“When you breathe, you inspire.  When you do not breathe, you expire”
“Respiration consists of two acts: first inspiration, then expectoration.”


Cardiovascular:

“The three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, veins, and caterpillars.”

Gastrointestinal:
“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Alabama.”

Dentistry:
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

Orthopaedics:
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat on.”

Reproductive medicine:

“Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
“To prevent contraception, wear a condominium.”
“Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.”

Haematology:
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”

Eyes and nose:
“To remove dust from the eye: pull the eye down over the nose.”
“For nosebleeds, put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.”
“For a cold: use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”

First aid:
“For fainting: rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the head instead.  Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.”
“For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.”
“For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.”
“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered, then kill it.”

Avatar
Manish Bhatia
Posts: 667
July 20, 2012 - 6:36 am
11
+1

The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients


1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.

Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.

You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.

It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.

Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.

You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.

It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.

The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care.

This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

Avatar
drofart
Curantur Clinic & Research Center, CDA, Twin City, ODISHA.
Posts: 769
July 20, 2012 - 9:30 am
12
0

evillaugh

Avatar
Alan V. Schmukler
Posts: 992
July 20, 2012 - 3:16 pm
13
0

The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients  –  So true………..!

 

Enjoying everyone’s humor on this thread .laugh

Avatar
sorme1984
Posts: 8
March 4, 2014 - 2:52 am

14
0

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

“Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?”

“I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor.

“That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t able to play it before.”

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drsshealth11
Posts: 45
October 8, 2014 - 12:41 pm

15
0

yeah, its nice. This joke is nice to listening.

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Anthony Dippold
Posts: 32
October 16, 2014 - 7:54 am

16
0

The Good news and the Bad news

Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?

Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Avatar
Checkmate
Posts: 3
May 26, 2015 - 6:17 am

17
0

Manish Bhatia said
A patient complained to his doctor, “I’ve been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis.” The doctor calmly replied, “Just wait until the autopsy, then they’ll see that I was right.”

hahahahahahaha very nice joke. 😀

Avatar
dailybazaar
Posts: 8
January 15, 2016 - 6:24 am

18
0

That is a great collection of medical jokes. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. Here’s one from my side –

The patient thought he was dead. His psychiatrist had him stand before a mirror and repeat many times, “Dead men don’t bleed.”

Then he stuck a pin in the patient’s finger and made it bleed a little.

“See now?”, the doctor said triumphantly.

“Yes, I see now”, the patient replied, “dead men do bleed.”

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